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December 15 2008

that place

was amazing !
i really hope i land it.
crossed fingers and everything.

so there's more shit going on, but apparently this soup ISN'T private, so i'm not going to write about it.

i'm sick of this place.
ready to leave, please(:

we talked

on the phone yesterday for hours
it was nice.

i'm going to an interview today, because i don't want to stay where i am right now.
i'm not telling anyone here just yet, though, in case i don't get the spot.

i love interviews
i straightened my hair, even.

December 13 2008


christmas shopping with Kei today.


i found my dairy.
ahah. my very old diary, from the third grade, i think.
i was eight.
it brings back memories .
i kinda miss being a kid.
sometimes i wish i hadn't rushed things.

not really.
hahaha. i don't like to regret.

christmas shopping tommorrow(:

December 10 2008

ive been thinking of

leaving lately.
just for a small while,
a few weeks maybe?
i don't really know where i'll go, though.
i want to stay with Tessa,
but then i couldn't come back.
i think ill just live on the streets, just for a few weeks.
it'll be my escape.
i can finally experience a kind of life
separate from this one.

i'm not scared of staying out there for a bit
i know things could happen, but i'll buy pepper spray and such.
i'm going to take the train and Penn Station
with a bag of a few of my clothes.
and ill get out and just..
be there.
try to do something with my life for a little bit.
depend on myself.

December 09 2008

she came

and she left.

it was fun with her here though;
just like old times.
i miss those times.
everything was so simple there,
and everyone loved everyone.
i want to go away again.
another country, this time?
i think i will.
its good for everyone to escape reality for a bit.

December 04 2008

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id never get thatt;
shits psycho.
but still. that looks SICK.
Reposted bytobse tobse

i haven't

written in a while.

ive been sick.
i was sick for four days, i believe.
slept almost all day everyday.

i think its stress.
exhaustion from stress.

what am i stressed about?

-that racist bitch that i have to be with everyday until i leave this place.
-the fact that hes gone and i still miss him.
-all the work i have to make up since i took two sick days and was also sick on the weekends.
-and some things that are too private to even put here, a blog that's for my eyes only.

at least Tess is coming down this weekend to stay with me. i havent seen her in a while, but those weeks that we lived together made an unbreakable bond. were going to havee fun.
we want to get tattoos together.
just small ones, so i can still go to work with it.
i dont know.

November 28 2008

it was

thanksgiving yesterday.

when it came to my turnn to say what i was thankful for, i said food.
but in truth; im thankful for :

my bestfriends. 
even though one of thems a freak
ones a dumbass
and ones a dramaqueen
and they're all a little crazy
i love all of them 
because i know im not quite sanee myself.
they help me through my worst times
and ill always be there for them . 

im also thankful for Sava.
she is the sweetest little child ive ever set eyes on
and even though she is an annoying thing sometimes
she's still my baby.
and i love her.

my papa. im thankful for him.
he accepts me for who i am no matter what shit i pull.
hes amazing . 

i suppose im also thankful for the rest of my family.

at least i have family.
that's it.

i would have been thankful for him.
him too.

November 26 2008


would have been an anniversairy.

but now hes gonee,
and theres nothing to celebrate.

thanksgivings tommorrow, though.
i wonder what im thankful for?

i have

such killer migranes.
its like the world explodes behind my eyes.
and everything goes dizzy and it feels like im carrying hundred-pound weights on my neck
my head's pounding
i can practically hear it.

November 24 2008

she just asked

what is love?

she thinks that we don't know what love is;
that what we call love is simply us projecting our ideas of what love should feel like onto the person we wished we loved.

well she didnt quite say that, i paraphrased.

i thought about it. i thought that once too.
i really don't know what the answer is. i think that when you really truly in youre heart love someone, you know.

i knew.
this wasn't the "i think about him day and night, can't live without him, he's my everything, that bitch better take his hands of him," type of love.
i just knew i loved him. i still do. it's only been a week since he moved.

i knew i loved him.
he wasnt my everything.
but he was my something.
my love.
when he held me, i felt like i was floating
in a dream, and i never wanted to wake up.
his kisses were electrifying.
everything about him was electrifying.
our love could melt through a brick wall.

he was amazing.
and now he's gone.
i know i loved him.
and i'll probably never forget it.

November 22 2008


are mistakes you don't learn from.

so fuckyes, i've made mistakes. 
and yet i dont regret anything.
i'm not trying to be perfect.
far from it. 
i'm just being honest with myself.
everything happens for a reason.

face it.


heb mijn beste friendin eits naar mij gezegd. maar ik vind het heel stom. omdaat veetje vat, ik mag vriende zijn met VIE IK VIL.
okay? dus jij heb geen control over mij.
je hoof neit mijn eenige friendin te zijn.
varoom mag it geen anderen vrieden hebben?
nou. dit vind ik heelemaal stom. ik ga vrieden zijn met VIE IK VIL.

no one

is going to read this.
its just for me. to rant and rave at no one in particular, even though im actually ranting to the world.

i needed this.
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